just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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