3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
