Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
When are your genitals available?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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