great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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