I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
