Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
