I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
