Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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