how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
