It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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