There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
