Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
