Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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