i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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