her facebook's as public as her vagina
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
