I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
