It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize