Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
