What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
