I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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