Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
