So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
