I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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