Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Who died my cat blue again?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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