it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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