Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
you never un-have a 4some
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
