you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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