If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
