I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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