Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
