he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
