I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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