I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize