From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
