He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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