so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i think i just lost a toe
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
