I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
well you can't waste a boner
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
