if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize