I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
