Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
