the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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