My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
