I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
