I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
