my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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