I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize
