So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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