I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
