shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
