I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
