I wish I could punch you in the face.
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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