nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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