cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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