like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
