just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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