I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
