I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
